Advice for: The Best Man!

Now this is a tricky subject and one that I had to cover sooner or Later.

Buckle up here we go!

If you are a Bride and read this, I hope you will agree with me

If you are a Groom and read this, share it with your Best Man, believe me when I say you will thank me afterwards.

If you are a Best Man and read this, remember where I am coming from, I have seen Grooms passed out before the Wedding breakfast and vomiting during the group shots and most times either the Best Man stopped looking out for the Groom or deliberately set him up. As the photographer, that makes things tricky for me and unknown to most people but if a Groom is nervous beforehand, they often ask me to watch out for them and I will.

Story Time: I once found the Best Man at the bar spiking the Grooms drinks because he thought it would be funny, the Groom thought it was happening but didn’t want to be seen as not joining in. I spoke with the bar staff and the double vodkas being added to his pint was replaced with double water, from a washed-out vodka bottle kept behind the bar, just for the Grooms drinks. It worked. Ps I get calls and messages from the couple the day after their Wedding and they genuinely thank me for having their back all day. A good photographer will not just be taking photographs, they will be looking out for you both.

 If you get to the end of this and completely disagree with me then that is your right and you can of course let me know below.

However, experience tells me I am right

So here goes. Traditionally the best man has a few roles to play but the main one, thankfully we do not follow anymore. If the groom fails to appear for the wedding, the best man was expected to step in and marry the bride (that could be interesting). I bet many best men are glad we don’t do this anymore, or In one case I witnessed, it would have saved the cost of the divorce as everyone knew that the Bride and the Best Man were having an affair, everyone apart from the Groom that is and they separated three months after the wedding.

If we go back into history far enough, I am told that in the Highlands of Scotland where clans and tribes ruled the lands, it was the best man who led a raiding party to kidnap the grooms intended bride and get her to the church and married before she was taken back. A brit brutal I guess but those were the ways of the time.

The modern best man has a huge responsibility towards the groom but in my experience, most are either unaware of their duties or just neglect them on the day preferring to get drunk with the lads.

So, beginning at the start, choose your best man wisely. He is going to be your wing man from the day you ask him right through to the day after the ceremony itself and some even continue looking after the groom beyond the big day. He needs to be someone you can trust, rely on, with good decision making skills, a good speaker and someone discreet.

He is not your best drinking pal who knows where the bodies are buried unless of course he is all of the above as well.

He should help you choose your suits, ensuring that you all look good and not just the two of you.

Kilts: always look good but have a reason for choosing them and make sure the entire grooms party are up for it. Underwear with a kilt is traditionally not worn but, in my experience, it’s fun to pretend that no one is wearing underwear until you do a big reveal, which everyone will be up for seeing and show some awesome funny pants, it makes for a good photograph too. Even funnier if one of the group has gone full commando and only he knows, but that picture is for later on or for adults only!

Suits: Pastel coloured suits in the summer are always a favourite and not only will you look good but you wont be overheating all day. A three piece suit in spring or Autumn, Winter is a winner, but when I need the guys to put their jacket back on for photographs with the summer temperature climbing, believe me, I am not the most popular man there and who wants their picture taken if they are red faced, hot and sweaty, no one of course.

Shoes: please get matching shoes, hire them if you have to but please make sure they all look the same, being a photographer with OCD, seeing odd coloured shoes in the pictures messes with my head. Men who come to a wedding in their work shoes !! please guys, make the effort and get some shoes that look good.

The Stag do: It’s the responsibility of the best man to organise the Stag do. Arrange it for at least a few weeks before the wedding day and the tan will still look good and you have had time to recover. These days this is a major event and often involves a week away. Now obviously what happens on the Stag, stays on the Stag, so no more will be mentioned on the subject.

On the day: the best man is responsible for looking after the Groom. Not only is he to make sure he makes it to the church on time, but dressed in the right clothes, preferably sober and in a fit state to welcome the family and friends to the wedding day. The bride will not be there to represent you both, so the Groom and Best Man are responsible for looking after everyone until the actual ceremony and that’s a lot of hands to shake and more small talk that your used to. If you are smart, appoint some Ushers, they can do some of the leg work for you but again, choose wisely as they are representing the Bride and Groom until the Bride arrives.

A Groom, the right Best Man and Ushers can cope with anything that is thrown at them and are a huge part of keeping the day running perfectly. If I find out that there are any ex-military in the party and they are in charge, I’m certain that we are in good hands, until the evening when the proper drinking starts and then you can tear up the rule book and look out.  Having photographed a few Military Weddings, they have all been, bar one, brilliant. They know how to get organised, are respectful and deal with any problems before anyone has even noticed and will be drinking for Britain all night long without any problems.

The Rings: traditionally the Best Man is responsible for the Wedding Rings and without them, they are not getting married, so God help the Best Man if he has lost them. Do not leave them in the bed side table of the hotel you stayed in the night before, especially if said hotel is an hour away from the ceremony venue. I always ask the Best Man if I can get a photograph of the rings, because I need to get a detailed shot of them but more importantly ensuring that the Best Man actually has them.

During the Ceremony: the Best Man makes sure the Groom is at the head of the room, before the bride arrives and doesn’t need to run off to the toilet, has a drink nearby, not alcohol as no alcohol is allowed in the ceremony room.

Story Time: One Wedding I attended, the Bridesmaids walked up the aisle ahead of the Bride and when the Bride had arrived and everyone was seated, I noticed something being passed to a Bridesmaid from the person sat behind her. I’m a photographer, I notice things! Unfortunately, so did the registrar. When we both heard the top being unscrewed from a miniature, we glanced at each other exchanged a frown or two and the registrar stopped the ceremony. Very embarrassing. The Bridesmaid was called out and when she said it was a miniature JD she was asked to remove it from the room. Outside apparently she necked it and to everyone’s surprise, walked back in and sat down like nothing had happened.  The Bride was less than impressed.

So no alcohol in the ceremony room please

The registrar or Vicar will ask the Best Man if he has the rings and this is his moment to shine. Some, nervous of course simply open the box of each ring and the Bride and Groom take them, others make a show of it. Elaborately removing the rings from a pocket as if they were a magician, pretending they couldn’t find the rings and bowing to the crowd afterwards, its all been done before.

Story Time: One Wedding where the Groom had four guys as Best Men, when asked for the rings, the first guy patted his pockets and no, he hadn’t got them, asked the second guy who did the same and so on down the line. The last guy had them of course and there was a huge fuss made of passing them up the line to the waiting Groom. I could see the Brides face, who wasn’t amused. Funny at the time though

Until the Speeches, the Best Mans role is to be there for the couple and look after them. If they need a drink or something to eat, be there for them, it’s their big day.

Story Time: I have known many Best Men over the years and the best ones, let me explain, are laser focused on their job and at the end of the day, done well, the role of the Best Man, is an impressive one. Impressive enough for them to not be single by the end of the day and I have genuinely photographed the Wedding Day of the Best Man and his partner, who met at the wedding he was Best Man at.

It happens!

The Speech. This is the trickiest thing for me to write about and the one thing that is guaranteed to scare the Best Man and most people there. I have witnessed hundreds of speeches and most were dreadful, only a few were memorable in any way at all.

My biggest warning ever is to do with the Best Man’s Speech.

The Groom may be the most lad of lads, the soundest bloke you could ever meet, prop forward for his local rugby team, famous for his womanising and his drinking skills, he may even be the king of the Karaoki at four in the morning, but for the best part, those days were before he met the partner he wants to spend the rest of his life with and the womanising part is hopefully over. You do indeed know where the bodies are buried, all about the late night antics on the Lads on Tour – Magaluf 2020, about the night he spent in the drunk tank, courtesy of His Majesty’s finest Police force, but the speech is NOT the time to share any of it with the assembled group at the wedding.

From the day he met his life partner, he has been on his best behaviour in front of their partners family, he has been an absolute bloody saint. The last thing he wanted to do was in any way jeopardise his chances for the future with this amazing person he cannot possibly live without. Yes he may take the micky out of them in the pub but behind closed doors he worships them.

Then along comes his wing man, his chosen Best Man and if he has chosen well, he can enjoy his dinner, safe in the knowledge that his new Mother and Father in law are not going to hear a rendition of every one of his dubious conquests over the previous years. His own parents will not want to be reminded either. Because on day one, he chose well. If he hasn’t chosen well, he is now getting drunk, unable to eat his dinner he is panicking and so is his new wife, who has noticed what’s going on and is begging him to speak with his Best Man and save them both. I have seen this so many times and if you know what to look for you can almost see the moment they both start to panic.

Story Time: At this particular Wedding, the Groom in full panic mode, asked me to check in with the Best Man about just how revealing his speech was going to be. I obliged and although I never got to see the speech, his wife, as concerned as we all now were, stepped in and read it. A few minutes later, his wife announced that he would not be giving a speech at all. She had threatened to divorce him on the spot if he even stood up and starting talking, it was that bad.

If you are a Best Man, Please Please Please, for your own safety and for the harmonious beginning to the Couples life together, ask a Lady, not a Man (unless he’s gay, in my experience you can trust his judgement) to read it through first. Listen to what they suggest and change it accordingly.

Proceed at your peril if you choose to ignore this advice.

It used to be that the speech was printed out, kept in your pocket and ready to go. I have seen a lot of people reading from an iPad recently and I reckon it’s not a bad idea, you could get the words large on the screen, easier to read when your nervous. Make sure its fully charged though. My advice would be to do both, if the iPad breaks you have a paper copy, if you lose the paper copy, you can email a copy from the iPad to the reception desk and they should be able to print you out a fresh copy. Do not lose your speech and tell everyone that you are going to wing it, I have seen this and the results are a car crash. You head down roads you said you wouldn’t, say things you promised not to say and basically become a gibbering wreck. You will be sleeping in the car as well once your partner gets hold of you, seen that too.  

Story Time: One Best Man, whilst dog sitting the couples Terrier, recorded him barking and then during his speech, played back the dog barking, through the sound system and translated the barking into a message of best wishes from the dog to the couple. Cute, I guess but not for five minutes, once was enough.

Best Men, online it will tell you to start with a joke, as an ice breaker, be very careful with this. Choose the right joke and it can work but it needs to be appropriate.

Tip: Be prepared to change your opening joke, just in case the father of the Bride uses it before you!

Tip: A reasonable opening goes along the lines off: I have been told that my speech should be like a mini skirt, short enough to keep you all interested and just long enough to cover the essentials. It may not be the best opener buts its good and safe. I have heard it plenty of times and it normally get a laugh or two.

Praise the Bridesmaids, (the term w**k bank is not an appropriate comment and yes I have heard it used) Praise the Groomsmen and toast them all, they will deserve it and both parties will thank you afterwards. Do tell a story or two about the Grooms previous antics, make it a story you were involved in as well, that way no one accuses you of making it up and it doesn’t look like your telling tall stories if you share some of the jeopardy yourself.

Tip: Tell people if they want to hear more salacious stories about his previous life, they can meet you at the bar later and of course they are buying.

Do not mention Exes, they may be there, I have seen that too ! Ps the bride didn’t know.

Try to keep your speech short, you will be the last speaker and people want to get up to stretch their legs, get to the bar or outside for a cigarette. Keep them all waiting, without being funny and they will not be congratulating you on your speech afterwards.

Story Time: At one huge wedding I attended, there was a family tradition of cutting off a section of the Brides veil and the Grooms tie, then cutting it into small pieces which were sold to the guests. Ladies bought the tie sections and Gents bought the veil sections, all were £10 each with the money going towards the honeymoon. Only problem was the Groom didn’t know and had hired the most expensive clothes they had in the shop and the fine for not returning the tie was rather a lot apparently. A good idea, I give you, but check with the Bride and Groom first

It used to be said that the Best Mans job was get off with one of the Bridesmaids, but in my experience, they almost certainly already know each other, or they are there with their respective partners. That’s not to say it hasn’t happened before but from what I have seen and heard it’s unlikely.

Once the speeches are done, most of your work as a Best Man is over, he is married now and for better or worse he is their partners problem. That’s not to say that you aren’t still his wing man and keep an eye on him for the rest of the night, but from here on in, relax, get a few beers inside you and enjoy the rest of the day. The dance floor belongs to you, get up and shake your stuff, get blind drunk if you want and try to get back to wherever you are staying in one piece.

That’s it, the end of the hardest thing I have ever had to cover here on my Blog.

I hope it helps

Please remember that I am not trying to take all the potential fun out of your role but I am someone who has seen it go spectacularly wrong and the Best Man had a hand in every disaster, so you have a huge responsibility on your shoulders

I wish you all the luck in the world

If you have made it this far, congratulations. This blog is my experiences of photographing hundreds of weddings and if the advice has helped you in any way, leave me a comment.

If you have a question for me, leave it below and I will do my best to answer it for you

All the best Robb

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